she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
