using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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