she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
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the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
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Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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