I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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