I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is Oprah even human
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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