***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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