Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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