I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
