The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my phone needs a breathalizer
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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