Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
