dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
