I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
