JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
