So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
