Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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