shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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