hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
