I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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