did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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