I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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