I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
