Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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