I just saw a hot homeless man
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We need to get me chipped asap
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
