you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
