I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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