....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
