My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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