I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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