You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
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You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.