I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice