The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die