My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
