You're my little dorito
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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