i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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