Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
