Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
