I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
