I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
