Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
