i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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