I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
