bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
