my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
