im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
