My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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