I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
