I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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