Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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