im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
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I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
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I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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