u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
