I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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