Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
