dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
