dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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