Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize