I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just gargled with NyQuil
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
