I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
