u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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