I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
