Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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