I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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